b r e a t h e – l o v e – c o n n e c t – l i g h t e n u p
After hanging up with you today, I noticed that my mood changed, and I wanted to fill something up…. Something that felt empty and lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and felt like the old days, when I would feel that emptiness, and would want to get high to fill the emptiness up… (my reptile brain got triggered with some PTSD aka self-hatred…)
It was a gorgeous day in NYC, and I couldn’t stay in, because a construction job was going on in my building, and it was very noisy.
I packed my bag and put my laptop inside, and got dressed as if going for a journey. But I didn’t know the destination of my journey and it felt a little awkward.
Overall, I had that familiar old recurring feeling of – being displaced and the loss of myself.
While all this was happening I was feeling in a fog, as if in a trans state, with a low grade anxiety & depression, to which I now respond by practicing taking care of myself. Slowing down, opening my heart, breathing with more ease, and having a heart – unconditional compassion for my self. Like a prayer, I keep asking my higher power – the breath 4 help.
As I’m walking, feeling vulnerable, but continuing to practice, I don’t know where I’m heading, but somehow my feet take me to Madison Square Park, which is ten minutes from my house.
The park is filled with young summer people. Everybody is out with their lunch box, some are tanning on the grass, and there is a band playing jazz.
I’m ready to feel intimidated by the crowd, but somehow, I feel rather safe and intimate, like I’m part of it, as if I belong…
Could it be that in the last twenty minutes I managed to gather myself & re-member who I am, transforming intimidation to intimacy, self-abandonment to self-love, feeling lost to feeling found… –
I’m sitting under the old tree,
Re-membering who I am
Free 2 be love.
Thank you life.
Samuel Jakob Kirschner, Voice of The Breaze